A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
❤️❤️❤️
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
#merica
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back