I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
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If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.