doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
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Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
never deleting this app.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare