the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
You Might Also Like
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Barbie gone wild
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
the three branches of government
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.