I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
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Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
This is a true ally.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…