My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
You Might Also Like
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.