Nailed it…ποΈππ
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Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, itβs a joke Leonard. Calm down.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess Iβm attracted to squirrels now.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[deathbed]
Sonβ¦.come closer
βYes dad?β
We need a new man of the house
βIβd-β
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: Itβs pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and youβre going for a high score.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.