My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
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“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.