I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Barbie gone wild
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”