ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
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People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
August 8
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
i dont have time for this
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I put the hot in psychotic.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!