*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
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Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu