Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
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Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.