HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
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Here鈥檚 my thread about the spiders I鈥檝e taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
It doesn鈥檛 matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we鈥檙e supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 馃槀馃槣馃樅
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don鈥檛 remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”