Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
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There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Mornin
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I’ve been drinking.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.