You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
got so much cardio in today
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”