Oh hi lol
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I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.