I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Perfection.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby