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Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork