Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
You Might Also Like
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Geez man, take it easy.
Sponch
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”