”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
You Might Also Like
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
“Huge”.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s