…u ok Nintendo?
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
where the womens at?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
reviewed some movies recently
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines