Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
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My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
There is no try. There is only give up.
Ugh but profoundly
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.