Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
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“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
this is how life feels
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people