We’ve come full circle
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Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
gm
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.