Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Meowchelangelo
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?