Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
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I’m crying im so happy for them
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Just why bro?!
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great