ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
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Body by Oreos
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Leaving the Barbers like
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.