Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.