6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Jupiter
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.