When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
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me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide