ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
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I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet