Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
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I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS