I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
What about a To-Don’t List?
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show