Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
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Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”