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You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
i wish we could shoplift online
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Is your wife single?