My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
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Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you