make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Customize Your Wedding.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door