[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
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I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*