Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?