I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.