WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
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When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
TRAIN’S HERE
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup