me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
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Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Somebody call the cops.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
The little toadstool has spoken.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.