[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
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me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!