Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
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“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Education is vital
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
time machine? you mean a clock?
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Ron is short for Aaronald
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?