My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
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*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?