If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
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God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.