Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
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Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.