My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.