nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
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*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.