that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
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when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.